for the free spirited

8/2/2022

Have you ever found yourself walking in the blazing sun down the side of a country road wondering what the heck your doing? Have you ever found yourself sitting on a watercooler by the counter in a barn kitchen watching rice boil?

Adulting is hard. And to my small child self who avoided it so effectively for so long I say this. It’s okay. I gotchu. It’s okay to cry. And be miserable. And uncertain. And sad.

What do you do when you have no will nor energy to do a thing? What do you do when you drank the most caffeine you’ve ever had in your life because now apparently your weak and also ate ice cream simultaneously and then gluten and dairy bc youd put off eating for so long u were desperate….

Have you ever had a patch as big as your hand on your back of scaly skin that already peeled but is still red as? Because you grew up modest and righteous and never did show your back to the sun before apparently?

Have you ever looked at your life and the way you’ve lived and your religion and the culture you grew up in and said… okay but why. And furthermore, have you done all that, but also said… there ain’t nothin’ out there that can shake my conviction that I am on the right path.

Have you ever wanted to call your sister or your mom and say ‘I feel ill’ (for the previously stated eating choices) but… then… didn’t? because why. Because it would take too much energy to say the words?

Have you ever wanted to run away to Africa… if only you knew someone there who could take you in and let you work for them in exchange for living.

Burping caffeine drink taste.

Have you ever been surrounded by bearded men, who all know what they’re talking about and who all are farmers or mechanics and therefore savvy at life and, tho u be quaking in your sandals, show the face of a country girl who can handle it all?

Do u every wonder what they actually think? How they actually view you. And what you’d have to do and be for them to genuinely and fully respect you, not just as a woman, but as a savvy person too?

Have you ever found yourself sitting in a chair, typing out muddled thoughts, dreading having to get up and go operate a tractor again tomorrow? Have you ever just wanted to cry so bad but had nothing to make tears of.

I’m annoyed at everything. I’m annoyed with everything. I just spoke with my sister and she, bless her, let me whine. And now… actually I don’t feel any better. It’s 10:41pm where I’m from. 9:41 where I’m at. Ugh. Why did I ever say I wanted to drive tractor. I need a hat. I hate hats. And whats worse, I don’t have one rn. I better go to town tomorrow.

And because she said I should write about it… yes my young farmer friend ‘rescued me’ when I got a glob of grass stuck in the augur on the mower. *eye roll*

this is the whole reason for the title and yet it’s only a wee paragraph. because how? how do you describe a life that is so deliciously like a hallmark movie. and yet… and yet still just a life. more to come on that i suppose.

8/14/22

And have you ever forced yourself to start a blog because it was the next right thing, and it was just as hard to keep going as it was to start? So it took days longer than it someday will for you to post things sometimes?

And furthermore… have you ever wondered, once you’ve gotten going… what you ought to share and what you ought not to?